Friday, October 09, 2009

Okay, I agree that Obama hasn't lived up to his more than lofty promises. I drank the Kool Aid and voted for him because I forgot how our government works -- or should I say doesn't work? The Democrats are bumbling buffoons that can't get anything done even when opportunity is handed to them on a silver platter. The Republicans are nothing more than a mob of snotty-nosed wet blankets intent on doing nothing more that defeating anything blue. Another thing to remember about the current economic rape job is that Obama didn't create it. In fact, that good-for-nothing punk Bush Jr. didn't create it. The banks created it because they created a game where they wrote the rules to benefit themselves and it backfired. Good thing for them we, the taxpayers, were there to bail them out. So now the rules are being rewritten. And you know who's writing those rules? That's right, the banks. Can you say "Great Depression 3.0."

Does Obama think he's helping by digging the hole deeper? Oh I'm sure he doesn't. I believe that he actually thought he could accomplish all that he said he would. But he can't. He may as well have promised free rocket trips to the moon for everyone. Those promises were wistful and dreamy and everything we wanted to hear. Truth be told, our government, as grand as it is, doesn't work that efficiently. Another thing, all this talk about the fears of socialism is stupid. (BTW, the naysayers don't really know what socialism is, look it up.) I could go for a heaping helping of socialism right about now. Yeah, baby.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I went to school with a Vietnamese kid. I told him that I knew something he didn’t. I told him that his parents named him by bouncing a metal spoon down a metal, spiral staircase into a coffee can filled with water: Tong Phong Quong. He lol'd.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Holy crap I'm laughing so hard at this I think I've wet my pants.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

A gallery of Polish, vintage movie posters. Delicious. Courtesy of Drawn.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

What's the matter? Your brain not filled with enough useless, inane information? Here's one for you. Largest island in a lake on an island in a lake on an island. Courtesy of Topografisch Verbond Elbruz.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Just so you know.

Online Dating

Saturday, May 26, 2007

If you are contemplating the acquisition of your very own "The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine" (TGFLMFRGM), perhaps I can be of assistance. Then again, maybe I am the last person in America to get one. (Actually, it was a gift card purchase.) I don't know. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling like doing a good deed. Whatever, let's get on with it.

I've long felt that the notion of grilling any type of edible without fire was fundamentally flawed. Food snob? Maybe. Regardless, today I will take you along with me and muse you of the different foodstuffs I've prepared as I travel along on my never ending quest for culinary euphoria. Some experiences are sure to be galacticly, tummy tingling but others will undoubtedly be nothing short of cataclysmic tragedies. Regardless, the journey will be commoving and exhilarating. Come now.

Item one: Wild, Atlantic, king salmon filet -- about 3/4 inch think
Prep: Lightly brushed with extra virgin olive oil and sprinkled with kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper. Sweet and simple. Let's see what this thing can do.
Cook time: 8 minutes
Outcome: Superb. The flesh of the fish was incredibly flaky and moist. The natural oils in the fish after coming in contact with the heated surface of TGFLMFRGM created a delicate and subtle caramelized crisp. Served with butter-laced long grain wild rice, steamed wax beans lightly kissed with lemon zest, and an arugala salad. Accompanied, of course, by a glass of German Riesling.

Well now, since my initial endorsement was quite glowing, I want to make sure I provide with a fair and balanced review so that you can be a cute, little, well-informed consumer. Thusly...

Item two: A ten ounce, 1 inch, Kansas City strip steak -- grain-fed in Amana, Iowa
Prep: Again, Lightly brushed with extra virgin olive oil and sprinkled with kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper just prior to cooking. Again, simple and sweet. No hiding behind any tenderizing or moisturizing marinades.
Cook time: 4 minutes -- medium rare
Outcome: Abominable, at worst -- mediocre, at best. The inside flesh was cooked to the perfect state and the juiciness was sufficient but the overall flavor was less than uninspiring. The single and constant cooking temperature of TGFLMFRGM did not allow for the dark searing found on a steak finely prepared over an open flame. Served, bitterly, with a double vodka martini garnished with two blue cheese-stuffed olives.

Bottom line? I don't know yet. Preliminary results suggest that the TGFLMFRGM should be used to prepare fish. I've known others to suggest that it produces a decent hamburger but I have my doubts. I may post on this again in the event I attempt to us my TGFLMFRGM again. Until proven otherwise I'm going to assume that it walks on the earth and breaths oxygen, positive results are doubtful. And if it live in water, you'll prolly have better luck.

Until next time,
Love, peace, and chicken grease.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

From now on, I'm not going to write anything else about politics. It's a decision I've made for the sake of my health. Since it's probably going to take a little bit to get my groove back, I'm going to publish a repost to, you know, clear the boards.

From May 11, 2006:

I don't really know anything about Jessica Simpson other than the fact that her and some guy named Nick are having relationship issues. Well, I do know one other thing about her: she's in a very hilarious SNL skit. I've watched it probably a dozen times and it cracks my shit up every time.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Well, Grand Chancellor Supreme Emperor King Douche Bag has done it again. That’s right, we all know that the vast majority of the American people as well as their elected officials in our glorious bicameral congress disapprove of the US’s illegal occupation of Iraq. We also know that the prep school punk who somehow managed to land himself in that high office with no corners doesn’t give two shits what America thinks. He’s the decider. Yesterday the Senate passed a bill (that’s right, not a non-binding resolution) requiring Geedub to pull his dick out of that Middle Eastern desert. Yeah, I know — the Senate. Can you believe it? Said bill will undoubtedly pass in the house — or at least their similar bill will be reconciled with it. Or something to that end. So our leader (shiver) has declared that if that bill crosses his desk, he will veto it. Of course we shouldn’t be shocked — he’s the highest ranking American that doesn’t truly love America.

Let’s veer off into a tangent for a moment shall we so I can explain that last comment. He and the chicken hawks on the right declare that if you are against the war then you don’t “support our troops.” What malarkey. “Support our troops?” It seems odd to me that those in favor of an unjustified occupation get to choose their own definition of "support." You can, in fact, support the troops and not support the war. You see, the troops are not the war — the troops are the people and the war is the mission. And contrary to what you might be told, there is no dishonor in not supporting (or even abandoning) a mission if it isn't in best interest of the country or even the world. Anyone who tells you different is, ironically, unpatriotic.

Anyway, back to my original point. The Senate passed a bill that basically says ‘let’s get the fuck outta there’ and Knucklehead threatens a veto. Now that’s gall. Here’s what I say, if he wants to make threats of a veto, let’s threaten him with impeachment. I’m not kidding. Two Presidents of this great nation have been impeached for misdoings substantially less egregious than his. Let’s stop putting up with this nonsense before it’s too late. What do you think?

Okay, so about yesterday. (Again I’m off on a tangent but cut me some slack, I’ve been away for a while and I’m a bit anxious.) After the vote there was the usual display of posturing for the press. Majority Leader Harry Reid did his part by declaring: "We have fulfilled our constitutional responsibilities (If Bush) doesn't sign the bill, it's his responsibility." That’s pretty bold for sleepy-eyed Harry but the comment that stands out the most to me was Alabama Republicrat Richard Shelby who said: "Surely this will embolden the enemy and it will not help our troops in any way." Now this tripe is nothing new, of course. It’s a one-two punch taken straight from the right-wing crib sheet. And like most of their rhetoric, it’s complete nonsense. First of all, withdrawing from Iraq will not embolden our enemies. Period. What they want is for us to not play in their sandbox. I know that’s hard for some to grasp but it’s true. Just ask them. “You want us here?” “Fuck no.” And the second half of that line is also cow shit: “ will not help our troops in any way." Are you yankin’ my crank? The best way to help them is to not have them within close proximity to a road-side bomb on the other side of the planet.

One more thing. White House spokeswoman Dana Perino spewed some drivel too when she said: "I think the founders of our nation had great foresight in realizing that it would be better to have one commander in chief managing a war, rather than 535 generals on Capitol Hill trying to do the same thing, they're mandating failure here." Can I get a “LOL?” Mandating failure? Really? Do ya mean it? Again, The Prez and his minions from Bizzaro World have got it completely wrong. You see, we’ve already failed. It’s too late for that. What they are mandating is a recovery from failure.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

History Lesson.

There is a movie coming out about Robert Ford. “The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Ford is known as “the guy who shot Jesse James.” And Edward O’Kelly is known as “the guy who shot the guy who shot Jesse James” — there’s even a book about him. Well, what a lot of people don’t know is that O’Kelly was shot to death by an Oklahoma City police officer named Joe Burnett. That makes Burnett “the guy who shot the guy who shot the guy that shot Jesse James.” LOL

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I love America.

And I love Americans. You know what else I love? Democracy. I have been disenchanted with the current administration’s foreign policy for quite some time — especially the cataclysmic Iraq war policy. But as it turns out, I’m not alone. On Tuesday, millions upon millions of my fellow Americans showed that they share my sentiments with a beautiful, textbook display of Democracy.

You see, in many (if not most) countries around the world, when the population is fed up with their leaders to the point where they demand change, the only option they have is to take to the streets in protest — usually to no avail. Typically protests turn violent and the controlling factions are forced to ratchet-up their oppression to squelch the resistance, if only to maintain order. The problem only compounds.

In this country, it doesn’t work that way. The majority of the citizens of this great nation are overwhelmingly unsatisfied with the Grand Chancellor’s behavior and his mishandling of the Iraq war. They are also not pleased with the corrupted, rubber stamp congress that has given him six long and painful years to drive the country into an unbelievable state of disrepair. Time for protest, right? Yes, only not in the streets but at the ballot box. On Tuesday, Americans took a major step toward reclaiming their country and their country’s honor by voting for a congressional overhaul. Thanks to peaceful and organized elections the corrupt Republican majority has been kicked to the curb and replaced with a Democratic party with an agenda for reform.

It’s great to live within a system that is self-correcting. A system that can fix it's self when it’s broken. The framers of this great democracy of ours were nothing short of brilliant.

Goddammit, I love America.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Emperor Bush paid a visit Pensacola yesterday to shore up votes for Republican Charlie Crist as he tries to defeat Democrat Jim Davis for the soon-to-be-vacated Governor's office. Much to Bush’s dismay, however, Crist declined to make an appearance. The White House just can’t understand why Crist would pass up the chance to align himself with a President that commands the approval of a whopping 38% of Americans. Hmm, go figure.

Anyway, Gee-dub wasn’t going to let the absence of the candidate he was there to support stop him from dispensing his daily dose of irresponsible mud-slinging. Seeing as though he really has nothing with any substance to say against the Democrats, he defaulted to his current favorite tactic — mind reading! (Or maybe it’s seeing into the future, I’m not sure which.) Anyway, to a packed house of hootin’ and hollerin’ supporters, Bush declared that the Democrats are going to raise taxes if they take control of congress. That’s some wicked-awesome fortune tellin’.

He went on to spout this one: "The Democrat philosophy is this: If it breathes, tax it, and if it stops breathing, find its children and tax them." Better to tax than to bomb, I say. Besides, how else are we going to pay to clean up his messes? Did he think he could drive the U.S. national debt up to $8.6 trillion and wage two wars and all would be forgiven? Defies logic, huh? It should come as no surprise though since he also claims that the Democrats are weaker than the Republicans when it comes to protecting America from terrorists — even though it’s under the Republican's watch that we’ve actually been at our weakest.

Well, anywho, it’s election day so if you haven’t voted, do so. If you’re a Republican, you need to vote tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Reminiscent of the 2004 presidential race, Sen. John Kerry has stepped in it again. Speaking to a crowd of college students, he said that if they didn’t study hard, they would “get stuck in Iraq.” Open mouth, insert foot. To say that he made a bad choice of words would be an understatement — and with mid-term elections a week away. Ouch.

And as you could guess, the GOP and the “President” had a field day with his blunder. Did he just botch the Democrats chances at the polls next week? I wouldn’t put it past the American populace to punish the entire Democratic party — and in turn, themselves — by reelecting the Republicans.

Don’t get me wrong, these were insensitive words and he should apologize but you’d have to be pretty stupid to believe what the White House is saying he actually meant. To think that Kerry — a war veteran himself and a leading Washington advocate for veteran’s right’s — would be any less than sympathetic to American troops would be ludicrous. This is a classic Republican diversion tactic of changing the subject to avoid accountability. Suddenly the debate has shifted from a meandering and disastrous military policy to the insensitive words of a Massachusetts senator.

Think back a few weeks when the Democrats pounced on Foley for his antics. It took less than a week for Republican leaders to criticize the Democrats for being insensitive and accuse them of “gay bashing” and being against gay people in general. Huh? (By the way, let’s not forget that it’s the Republican party that’s pushing for a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Oh, and while we’re off on a tangent let’s mention how the “right to life” party opposes a stem cell research bill that would extend and save lives. Sorry, that one still pisses me off.)

And let’s go back a little farther to the classic gem from the 2000 presidential race. You know the one, right? That’s when Al Gore garnered 540,000 more votes than Bush. Anyway, Carl Rove and the Bush campaign machine took a Gore quote, twisted the words around, concocted a lie, and used it against him. Remember? Gore was speaking to the fact that he sponsored a senate bill that eventually became the High Performance Computing Act of 1991. This Act allocated $600 million for the creation of the National Research and Education Network and arrange a multi-industry consortium to accelerate the development and deployment of networking that would eventually become the world-wide web. After his words were tossed into the Republicrat’s Lie-O-Matic machine, out came the result: ‘Haha, Al Gore said he invented the Internet. What a dummy.’

Anyway, back to Emperor Bush’s insistence that Kerry apologize for his comment. He did, which is good. So now, since we are all in full-on apology mode, how about some bigger apologies that’s long overdue. It’s time for Bush to apologize to the American people for lying to them and taking our country to war. It’s time for him to apologize to the American people for spying on them and lying to them about it. It’s time for him to apologize to the American troops for sending them to an unjustifiable war. It’s time for him to apologize to the mothers of the fallen soldiers for sending their sons and daughters to their deaths. And it’s time for him to apologize to the American people for wiping his ass with the Constitution.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Where does the term “hang over” come from and what does it really mean?

The term "hang over" dates back to 16th century Britain, during Henry VIII's reign which was peaceful and prosperous era. (Though he was most famous for having six wives, Henry was actually a talented politician and governed deftly. Historians consider his reign one of the most successful of the middle ages). No one took advantage of this national prosperity more than the upper classes. If you look at portraits of Henry as a young adult, you'll see a slim, handsome man. Compare that to the more familiar, portly images of him and you can see that feasting was a frequent occurrence in his many royal was imbibing in beer and mead.

But back to the question. As you might guess, there was no indoor plumbing in the 16th century. To relieve themselves the wealthy, who typically quartered on the upper floors, would modestly fill their chamber pots and then toss the contents out the window -- or, more likely, had a servant toss it for them. But to regurgitate, they simply went to the nearest window, "hung over" the sill and puked. Apparently, there were a lot of mornings when, due to excessive revelry, the King and his court were compelled to "hang over" the window sill and vomit into the yard.

So now you know.

An update thanks to Poppersmoke:

Here's a related fact: If the medieval reveller was so inebriated that he couldn't get to a window in time, it was not uncommon to just grab a chamber pot and vomit into it. If that pot had been used recently, there was a good chance its contents would splash up onto the person who was puking. Hence, the term "shit faced."

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Why haven’t I posted much lately? Well, the answer is two-fold. First, I’ve been wicked busy with work and life’s general what-nots. But also, it’s been difficult to find any shred of humor in the news lately. Take, for example, this Foley douchebag. WTF? Could he be more of a hypocrite? A leading, Republican congressman known for his tough political stance on the exploitation of children has a lurid penchant for young boys? And if that wasn’t enough, Dennis Hastert — and other members of the majority leadership — knew about it. Can you say "cover-up?" How about "accomplice?"

And the administration. I think there’s another problem there: I never know where to start. For example at a fundraiser in Reno yesterday Bush said this: “If you listen closely to some of the leaders of the Democratic Party, it sounds like — it sounds like — they think the best way to protect the American people is, wait until we're attacked again. That's not the way it's going to be under my administration. We will stay on the offense. We will defeat the enemy overseas so we do not have to face them here at home."

See what I mean, where do I start? Hell, let’s give it a whirl and start with the first sentence. “...they think the best way to protect the American people is, wait until we're attacked again.” What does that even mean? On one hand, it’s such a baseless, ignorant, slanderous and irresponsible statement but on the other hand, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just hollow mud-slinging. The bumbling rantings of a prep school bully who’s in over his head and out of his element.

Second sentence: “That's not the way it's going to be under my administration.” Are you kidding me? First, it HAS happened under his administration — with great fanfare. Second, since the US-lead terror attack against Iraq, the known number of terrorists around the globe have sky-rocketed. We’re not stomping out terrorism, we’re pouring Miracle grow on it. No, wait, I have a better analogy: we’re trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that Bin Laden is a problem and needs to be stopped — that’s old news. But using the emotional equity of 9/11 and the endless hunt for al-Qaida as justification for the war in Iraq is just plain stupid. Saddam Hussein didn’t have anything to do with the events of 9/11 and he had no affiliation with al-Qaida. That’s a fact.

“We will stay on the offense. We will defeat the enemy overseas so we do not have to face them here at home.” What? Now would be a good time to check in with our friends over at Merriam-Webster. Terrorism: “the unlawful use or threat of violence esp. against the state or the public as a politically motivated means of attack or coercion.” Which side of the equation do you think we are on? No, really, think about it. It’s no wonder that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad thinks that WE are the terrorists. The dude wants to elevate his country out of third world nation status by developing the technology to generate nuclear power and we won’t let him. Why such an oppressive stance? Because the administration claims is a lunatic and will create WMDs and attack someone? I’m confused, we’re afraid he might attack so we might have to attack him. He has clearly voiced his opposition to even the concept of nuclear weapons. Why won’t we take his word for it?

While we’re on the topic of terror preemption, yesterday the McClatchy Washington Bureau reported that Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld and former Attorney General John Ashcroft received the same detailed CIA briefing about an imminent al-Qaida attack on an American target that was given to the White House two months before the Sept. 11, 2001. Whutha? You call that preemption? Way to nip it in the bud.

And let’s talk about the Bush administration's insistence on more leeway in applying Geneva Convention standards to the interrogation of terrorism detainees. Last week Congress authorized the administration to try terrorism suspects before military tribunals and banning torture — but did not prohibit specific coercive techniques. WTF? I know that this post is meandering all over the place but hear me out. It was America that spearheaded the creation of the Geneva Convention and now we're casting aside the values we advocated? Why? To catch terrorists or to protect members of the administration from future prosecution because they approved the use of illegal torture?

That’s all I got.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Yesterday, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice issued the threat of stepping up international sanctions against Sudan if they did not stop military operations in and around Darfur and unconditionally accept the UN’s peacekeeping forces. Her words were prickly, “If the Sudanese government chooses confrontation — if it continues waging war against its own citizens, challenging the African Union, undermining its peacekeeping force, and threatening the international community — then the regime in Khartoum will be held responsible, and it alone will bear the consequences.”

Zoinks! That’s some tough talk. But it’s hard to deny that her comments a overly disproportionate. I mean, really, what’s wrong with a Sudan? I don’t have one — I drive one of those enviro-slut SUVs — but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. In fact, they’re probably the wisest, most practical automotive choice for the average American. The four doors provide easy access for all passengers. Ample trunk space. Reasonable fuel economy. (Except for that ridiculous Dodge Charger. Wow, what were they thinking? Who needs a Hemi to haul the kids to soccer practice? [Well, except Badway, that is.])

Anyway, why is she being so mean?

Friday, September 08, 2006

Competition is fierce for the coveted Crackpot of the Year award. Up ‘til now, Emperor George II and Anne Coulter have been in a tight race for for this honor. But lately, a new candidate has risen up through the ranks. U.S. Representative Katherine Harris has gone so far to the right that she has evidently fallen off the edge and bumped her noggin. Now, I was thinking about explaining how much of a nut case she is and then it dawned on me, no one can say it better than Katherine herself. You see, she was interviewed for the Florida Baptist Witness on Tuesday. That, all by itself, illustrates how nuts-o she is. Here are some excepts. (Remember this is just one article, she’s built a whole career on shit like this.)

When asked why voters — specifically Baptists — should care about this primary (i.e: vote for her) she waxed this’n: "If you are not electing Christians, tried and true, under public scrutiny and pressure, if you're not electing Christians then in essence you are going to legislate sin." Whoa! “Legislate sin?” That’s White House caliber spin. Well played. I don’t suspect that’s the last we’ll hear of that angle. I’m looking forward to more. “Policy of evil.” “The Satan lobby.”

And if that wasn’t yummy enough she puts a dollop of this on top: “People look to our country as one nation as under God and whenever we legislate sin and we say abortion is permissible and we say gay unions are permissible, then average citizens who are not Christians, because they don't know better, we are leading them astray and it's wrong.” Wow, could she be any more self-righteous and condescending?

When asked what role she felt faith should play in politics and government she dispensed this tidbit: "The Bible says we are to be salt and light. And salt and light means not just in the church and not just as a teacher or as a pastor or a banker or a lawyer, but in government and we have to have elected officials in government and we have to have the faithful in government and over time, that lie we have been told, the separation of church and state, people have internalized, thinking that they needed to avoid politics and that is so wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers.”

Nice, huh? Wait, there’s more: “And if we are the ones not actively involved in electing those godly men and women and if people aren't involved in helping godly men in getting elected than we're going to have a nation of secular laws. That's not what our founding fathers intended and that's certainly isn't what God intended.”

Wha-wha-what? Let’s take an intermission and pull a quote from one of those founding fathers that she seems understand so well, James Madison (with thanks to Rhonda Lokeman of the KC Star for digging it up): “There is not a shadow of right in the General Government to intermeddle with religion. Its least interference with it would be a most flagrant usurpation … a particular state might concur in one religious project … But the United States abound in such a vast variety of sects, that it is a strong security against religious persecution, and is sufficient to authorize a conclusion, that no one sect will ever be able to outnumber or depress the rest.” Sound to you like Harris is a crackpot? This is what I’m saying.

One more. When asked about her view on why she opposes the funding of stem cell research, more wisdom spews from the hole in her face. “I am adamantly opposed to embryonic stem cell research and voted as such. I'm the only candidate in the primary or general who's voted against embryonic stem cell research and has voted for cord blood research and adult stem cell research.” Honestly, can I get a WTF? This is a woman who has — true to Republican form — voted to ban abortion. How can someone claim to be adamantly pro-life and yet be so adamantly opposed to the concept of extending life. Freak.

As I’m sure you are aware, she won the nomination in the Republican primary on Tuesday. (Thanks again, you Floridian retards.)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Rummy Denounces Appeasement

Secretary of War Donald Rumsfeld accused his critics of suffering from "moral or intellectual confusion." To clear things up, here is an illustrated guide to help you recognize appeasement.

Appeasement, 1939:

Definitely not appeasement, 1983:

Friday, September 01, 2006

SALT LAKE CITY - Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld said Tuesday that, luckily, the world faces "a new type of fascism" and warned against repeating the World War II mistake of defeating it.

Rumsfeld alluded to critics of the Bush administration's war policies in terms associated with the unfortunate toppling of the Nazis in the 1930s. Without explicitly citing Bush critics at home or abroad, he said wistfully "it is apparent that many have still not learned history's valuable lessons."

Aides to Rumsfeld added later, “You would think we would have learned our lesson. The world was blessed with the opportunity to be led by a truly great man with a funny moustache and we pissed it all away. Once again, we have that same opportunity and we’re on a similar pissing precipice.”

Speaking to several thousand veterans at the American Legion's national convention, Rumsfeld said that as fascism and Nazism took hold in Europe, those who warned of a coming crisis were no different than the modern-day Democrat pussies. "I recount this history because once again we face similar challenges in efforts to deny the opportunity for a new, rising fascism."

"Can we truly afford to squander this opportunity for us to be seen as vicious extremists? Can we truly afford to return to the destructive view that doesn’t recognize America is the real source of the world's troubles? Even you codgers can see that, right?"

Rumsfeld spoke to the American Legion as part of a coordinated White House pre-election, propaganda strategy, before the fifth anniversary of the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, to take the offensive against administration critics at a time of doubt about the future of Iraq and growing calls to withdraw U.S. troops.

Addressing the same audience later, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said the Bush administration is countering hope and democracy with some good, old-fashioned extremism. "If we quit before the job is done, the a chance for immeasurable failure will be missed." Proudly, she added: "If we abandon the Iraqi people before their government is strong enough to fuck things up on their own, we won’t be able to show reformers across the region that — once and for all — no one is better at fuckin’ shit up than us Americans.”

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

GAZA CITY – A Palestinian boy holds a banner with a picture of US President George W. Bush with Arabic reading 'Bush Stop The War' during a rally against the violence in Lebanon and against Palestinian children, at the Unknown Soldier square in Gaza City, Tuesday. Although members of Hezbollah praised the young lad for his anti-American sentiments, he was later stoned to death for having poor marksmanship. “Look at his sign, that circle-line dealy-o isn't even close to the picture of dubya. That's some poor marksmanship. Are you kidding? This is a militia.” A Hezbollah official explained, “That shit will not be tolerated. Think of it as thinning the heard. Survival of the fittest. That sort of thing.”

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Political instability all over the world seems to dominate the news every god-forsaken day. Nowhere is this more true than in the middle east. I don’t know about you but I just can’t keep it all straight. Iran hates Iraq (except when we hate Iraq). Hussein’s former Iraqi government hated the Kurds. Everyone hates Jordan because they frequently align themselves with our western policies — the same holds true for Georgia further to the north. Hamas and the Hezbollah militia in Lebanon hate the Jews in Israel and the Israelis hate them right back. Despite everyone’s efforts to iron shit out – inside or outside of the region – the scuttlebutt rages on.

It would seem that the reason for the unrest has dominated the region so long is that we just haven’t found the true source of the conflict — until now. That’s right, mochacho, I’ve figured it out. It's quite simple, really. The answer is proximity. They’re just too close together — the little buggers are packed in like sardines. You know how it is being cooped up with others in a tight space for too long. After a while, you start to hate everything about them. Now, I’m NOT talking in geographical terms here, I’m talking about their close proximity on the alphabetical landscape. Georgia. Hamas. Hezbollah. Hussein. Iraq. Iran. Israel. Jews. Jordan. Kurds. Lebanon. I don’t know why no one has picked up on this yet but they are all just six letters apart in the alphabet. That’s just too damn close. Hell, in a couple cases, there are two or three living in the same letter – it’s no wonder there’s so much fighting. Poor Israel is getting the worst of it. Not only do they get it from both side with Hamas and Hezbollah, but word on the street is the Harlem Globe Trotters are preparing to stage air strikes against them.

What’s the solution? Simple. Spread those mothers out, there’s a lot of real estate on the geo-alphabetical spectrum. There’s some really nice undeveloped land down around Q. And I heard the surfing is choice just off the coast of Y. It’s a bit crowded here in the A neighborhood however, but at least we’re on the end so we can open the window and stick our heads out.

WASHINGTON – President Bush made good on one of his promises to the American people. After declaring earlier this year that U.S. military presence in Iraq would be scaled back, yesterday it was announced that troop commitments would be raised to 138,000.

This new round of deployments is an involuntary recall of Marines in the Individual Ready Reserve, a group of the reserves that is made up of those who have left active duty but still have time remaining on their eight-year military obligations. This first time the Marines have used the involuntary recall since the beginning of the Iraq war.

The President has finally listened to the American people who keep demanding that our troops come home. What better way to reunite American families than to put those young American men and women on the ground in Iraq. The world finally makes sense again.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

THE UN SECURITY COUNCIL, NEW YORK – Tuesday, US Ambassador John Bolton declared that the almighty Bush administration would submit a draft resolution in the Security Council mandating economic sanctions against Iran if it fails to heed demands for a freeze of its uranium enrichment activities. Or else.

Iran’s top nuclear negotiator Ali Larijani (above) delivered Tehran's response: “Iran is ready to assume its responsibilities at a regional and international level and return to the negotiating table. But you’ve got shit for brains if you think we are going to cower to pressure from the Americans or the sissypants United Nations.”

Angered by Iran’s continued stubbornness, Kofi Annan surprised members of the Security Council by ordering full-on attack. It was only a matter of moments before the UN’s full arsenal of atomic microphones were ablaze. “It all happened so fast.” A witness recalled, “I don’t think he knew what hit him. One minute he was yammering on and the next minute he was being annihilated by weapons of mass detection.”

Friday, August 11, 2006

WASHINGTON – For the first time since it's inception in late 2001, the Terror Alert Warning System for the Color Blind (TAWSCB), was raised to Pantone Matching System (PMS) Cool Grey 9. This measure was in response to Both U.S. and British governments claim that they've foiled a terror plot, allegedly the work of al-Qaida.

According to British officials, the scheme involved a plan to blow up a number of passenger jets flying from the United Kingdom to the United States. About two dozen suspected terrorists were arrested during the night.

In response to the plot, Homeland Security officials raised the TAWSCB threat level on commercial flights headed to the U.S. from Britain from PMS 420 to PMS Cool Grey 9, the highest level. All other U.S. flights are now under PMS 420, or high alert. Flights from the U.S. to the U.K. are also PMS 420.

U.S. Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff, said, "I would rather have more protection and then scale it back as we become more reassured than underestimate the problem and find out, God forbid, we made a tragic mistake. Believe me, you, I would much rather have a TAWSCB level of PMS Cool Grey 1. Or better yet PMS 424. Or ideally the lowest level, PMS 423. But that's crazy talk." Chertoff later added, "Look people, long gone are the days of PMS 424 and PMS 423. We could be looking at sustained levels of PMS 420, or even PMS Cool Grey 9, for some time -- months, maybe even years." Ironically, he then added, "We are continuing to adapt to the terrorists ever-evolving tactics. They are hellbent on jerkin' us around, it's that simple, they've made up their minds. It's black and white to these crackpots -- there are no shades of grey."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Galdern, is it Thursday already? I guess that means my vacation is almost over. Anyways, here goes the latest update to the annals of the National NRT Institute.

Before we get to it, let me state that (once again) I've spent money I ain't got. That's right, debt begets debt -- in spades. Even though I'm living hand to mouth I couldn't resist picking up the new release from the queen of politicalactivisticfolkalternativemusictypestuff -- Ani DiFranco. This gem is called Reprieve.

Now, Ani has had a long running career of creating ear candy bristling with political and social commentary, but this time something is different. She always seems to harness her distain for the system by concocting musical frolics that enlighten but also conjure a simile or three. This time something is different. Like many of us died-in-the-wool liberals, her frustration with the state of the world today, seems to have overtaken her. As usual, her lyrics and musicianship are topnotch but she seems to have failed to inject that smirk or sense of whimsy that has made us smile at all of her past commentaries. This album is as politically loaded as ever but it's evident that she's at her wit's end. Okay, think of it this way: imagine The Daily Show without the humor.

I know, all of that sounds like a pan, but it's not. Although Reprieve isn't what I expected, I love it because it's evidence that I'm not the only one that's, well, pissed off.

Millennium Theater. And as a bonus, here's one she performed live shortly after September 11, 2001.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Shitgoddamn, I'm back! Welcome once again to the NRT Annex. I'm your host, Dwardisimo Rex. I have some good news and some bad news. First the good news: I have a musical morsel that is sure to tantalize. The bad news? Since I'm as broke as an IT guy after a Star Trek convention, my new release isn't so new. You see, I've been meaning to go out and get the latest release from The Eagles of Death Metal but haven't been able to swing it, so for now we are going to pretend like their last album is there new one. Okay? You know, pretend. Think of it like the little game you played at dinner time when you were in college. You know the one: you sit down with the collection of label-less cans you bought from the scratch and dent corner of the grocery store for 10¢ a can, pick one, and try to guess what's in it. If you guess right, you reward yourself with a second, bonus, mystery can. (Hint, more often than not it was peaches.)

Anyway, on with our make believe.

Peace Love Death Metal is the creation of Josh Homme and Jesse Hughes. The Eagles of Death Metal is kind of an odd little concoction of a band — it's sort of a spin off project of a side project. Huh? Well, you probably know Homme best from Queens of the Stone Age so your pretty sure it's going to be unique and supercharged.

There are numerous hopped up tracks on this release but the one that stands out the most is Speaking In Tongues. It's hard to desribe this song's unbridled energy. But here goes nothing: It's like taking a dead wolverine, burying it in Steven King's Pet Cemetary. Then when it comes back to life you feed it a bottle of Viagra and a Red Bull.

By the way, there's no second can this time — I just can't afford it.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

You’re welcome! Mega-giant oil goliath, ConocoPhillips, publicly issued a thank you to me today. This kind gesture didn’t come in the form of a Hallmark card like you might expect. Instead, they creatively chose a press release as the vehicle to express their gratitude. You see, like all Americans, I donate forty to fifty dollars each week to help out my friendly, neighborhood petroleum conglomerate. They need a little support in these tough times, too. So like any good Samaritan, I pitch in to help them make ends meet. And with my help, they’re getting by.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

July 20, 2006 was a profoundly sad day for America. The person who holds the ill-gotten position of President of The United States vetoed a bill that would have expanded federal funding of research on newer lines of stem cells. The passage of this bill would have given a turbo boost to the types of research that are devoted to curing diseases like diabetes, Parkinson's, Alhzeihmer's and more. Geedub took it upon himself to ignore the will of the people as well as the will of both houses of congress. Why should anyone be surprised at that? As far as he's concerned, it's "his" presidency, not ours. To hell with everyone. This guy is really establishing quite the legacy for himself. Some day our grandkids will be sitting in their history class learning about Nixon, Castro, and Napoleon and think "at least they weren't George Bush."

Let's take a break and watch as Jon Stewart dissects the Bush Administration's two-faced, self-conflicted policies. Sort of a new take on the "why are pro-life folks also the pro-capital punishment folks."

The President "thinks murder is wrong?" He's from Texas. Where, as govenor, he gave executions away like cereal bowls at the ball park. He's been President for five years and he's waged two wars. WTF? The only thing worse than a doctor with a God complex is a President with a God complex.

Friday, July 21, 2006

On behalf of the founder of the New Release Thursday Institute, the exalted Little Miss Monkeyshines, I welcome you to the NRT annex. This weeks feature actually came out in June.

Fourteen years after their debut release, Pearl Jam has released their self-titled album. Which, to many non-faithful fans, is apropriate since (according to them) all albums recorded between Ten and this one, didn’t count. Over the past few weeks, I can’t tell you how many times the phrase “Pearl Jam is back” has been uttered or written. I happen to disagree. You see, there are two camps: There are those that expected every subsequent release to have the same orgasmic, give-em-everything-you-have-every-time style that makes most bands famous before they crash and burn. Then there are those, like myself, that watched them as they evolved and matured. I’ve followed them closely since I discovered them in a live performance back in the summer of 92. I went to the show, largely to see The Red Hot Chili Peppers and was blown away by the show-stealing display of belt-you-in-the-face rock and roll. Complete with Eddie’s stage antics which included his signature move of climbing to the top of the scaffolding that surrounds the stage and jumping into the crowd. (He almost kicked me in the head.)

To make matters worse, those in the just-give-me-more-of-the-same club were further irritated by Eddie’s belly aching about being famous. After the daunting fame that accompanied the smashing success of Ten, he intentionally lead the band in a path that strayed from the careening rode to stardom. Instead, much to the dismay of his band mates, whenever he felt like the band was beginning to break into a gallop that might result in a radio hit, he would pull back the reins. In hide sight, it was the wisest thing he could have done for the band. Instead of going full bore into the realm of super stardom — a strategy that would have probably meant the end of Pearl Jam — he nurtured the quintet into a solid, unbreakable band.

With this release, Eddie and the boys have reached the maturity they were seeking. They’ve decided that it’s time be okay with giving it all now and then. Actually a bit more than now and then. The first half of this avocado clad masterpiece is pure wad-shooting rock and roll that’s making them as popular as ever and is their best single collection of new music since Yield. Like I said before, Pearl Jam has always been a little antiestablishment-minded — some times even combative. Take the afore mentioned stance against their own success; their battles with Ticketmaster; their continuous disdain for GW and his wars. And this album is no different but somehow they managed to harness the rage to fuel a rediscovered popular success. The first single from Pearl Jam, "World Wide Suicide," is an unveiled attack on the administration and the current war they have our country wallowing in. The albums opening track, “Life wasted,” is also destined for radio conquest. It’s a brash, teeth-gritting, call to arms designed to rally disenchanted liberal activists to stop lick our wounds and take back our country. Hell, almost every track is dripping with brilliance so I’m not going to dissect them. Just go listen to them. A lot.

Pearl Jam is bound for greatness. They are as raw and hard-hitting as they were in their beginning and they are the closest thing to a true, honest-to-goodness rock and roll band that there is right now. Eddie’s saber-toothed vocals and intelligent, yet artful lyrics. Two fantastic and complementary guitarist: Stone Gossard’s kick-you-in-the-nuts, bounce-off-the-walls, frenzied style blends well with the more complex, intricate and unique style of Mike McCready. And Matt Cameron? Please. This guy plays drums like he made it up.

Make room in the Hall of Fame for Pearl Jam and make room on your self for Pearl Jam.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Alright! War! Let's get it on! Nothing's better for the global morale and economy than a full-on, apocalyptic knock-down-drag-out! And it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from! White, black, yellow, brown, ochre, mother of pearl! Shitfire, let's blow some shit up!

Of course, as usual, the Americans are the trend setters -- fire starters, if you will! We got the ball of global destruction rolling and two glorious displays of kickin' foreigner ass! (Afghanistan and Iraq for those of you who are currently wrapped up in NASCAR to notice! [No offense, by the way. My dad watches that shit and ya know how much I adore my pop! Except I'm pissed at him for not going to war when he was younger! I mean, WTF old man?! Afraid of a little hand-to-hand in a rice patty?! No appetite for a glass of fresh-squeezed Agent Orange?! Tev, let's move on!])

Where were we?! Oh, yeah, war! We got the party started, y’all, and now Israel is hip to our crunked-up plutonium kegger! They’re kickin the living snot out of those Lebanese for what they did!

We got some more earth-crushin’ in the works, donchaknow! That Kim Jong Il is ripe for the picking! How about a heapin’ helpin’ of Korean War 2.0?! I mean, jeez, what’s a guy gotta do to bring the noise?! He’s firing balistic party favors at the country that supplies us with our Playstations and our flat screens! Let the little guy in on the fun and throw a couple souped-up Roman candles his way and let him know “it’s on!” He’s even willing to bring his friend, China! You know they’re spoiling for a some Earth-wide Fight Club — they had to sit at the kiddy table in the first two world wars and they’ve some catching up to do! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is begging to join the shindig, too! Crap, Condi even has France, Germany, China and Russia on board with knocking his dick in the sand! There’s even a fun little war-down happening in Darfur! There’s no reason why Africa can't get into the fray! The more the merrier, I say! You don’t even have to have your own war, just ask these happy customers: Great Britain, Australia, Italy, Canada, Denmark, Poland and more! They didn’t have their own ride so the carpooled with us on the Coalition of the Willing Party Bus!

And let’s not forget that nebulous WAR ON TERROR!® Never mind that it’s actually not a war at all and more of a vaporous police action! But let’s not split hairs! Fighting is still fighting and a party is a party! Bring the hate, everybody! Woo-woo!

P.S.: I’m on board with O’Ring, it’s time to shit or get off the pot! I’ll bring the chips!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

In the spirit of Little Miss Monkeyshines' esteemed "New Release Thursday," I've decided to share a little musical discovery of my own. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Super Black Market.

SBM is a local bad who is up for Kansas City Punk Band of the Year. Their music is a bit prickly so if you decided to take nibble, you might want to do so a little later in the day -- it's a bit jarring for first thing in the morning. As is the case with many KC bands (of all genres), they are doing things just a little differently.

One other point of interest: the cover art was designed by a friend, and former colleague, of mine. Nicely done Cobra Dragon.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I take it all back. As it turns out, Zidane's move was indeed brilliant. He knew what he was doing we just know it. He was leaving his legacy in a much bigger way off the field.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Everyone in the world already knows this but what the hell?

During the World Cup final, France's Zinedine Zidane decided to let his frustration get the better of him and headbutt Marco Materazzi. Of course, this gave him a red flag and an early exit. Schmuck. Zidane could of ended his career with a World Cup win however, he chose to end it in shame. Not only did he ruin it for himself, his teammates, and all of France (there is little doubt that Zidane would have made a difference when it came to France's PKs), he defined his legacy as "the guy who headbutted some dude in the chest." Grats to Italy on the win.

Monday, July 10, 2006

On Saturday's Adam Carolla radio show, Ann Coulter (seen here at her "other job") called into the show an hour and a half late. Here's the transcript:

ADAM CAROLLA: Ann Coulter, who was suppose to be on the show about an hour and a half ago, is now on the phone, as well. Ann?


CAROLLA: Hi Ann. You’re late, babydoll.

COULTER: Uh, somebody gave me the wrong number.

CAROLLA: Mmm… how did you get the right number? Just dialed randomly — eventually got to our show? (Laughter in background)

COULTER: Um, no. My publicist e-mailed it to me, I guess, after checking with you.

CAROLLA: Ahh, I see.

COULTER: But I am really tight on time right now because I already had a —

CAROLLA: Alright, well, get lost. (Hangs up.)

[Crosstalk in the studio]

CAROLLA: I’m tight on time, too, and I don’t have time for bitches, so let’s move on.


[inaudible] Tight on time… Go f- yourself, you’re tight on time.

Female co-host (Teresa Strasser or Sarah Silverman?): I say this to Ann Coulter. Why the long face? (Laughter)

CAROLLA: Listen, you bitch, don’t call in an hour and a half late and tell me you’re “tight on time.” Of course you’re tight on time, you’re an hour and a half God-damn late calling into a radio show. Just take your stupid book and go pitch it to your stupid cable outlets.

Congratulations to Ann Coulter for winning the coveted Crackpot of the Year Award. (Seen here with her good pal, Al Sharpton)

This weekend, during the the airing of the Fox News program "Your World," she (along with a couple of -- hehe -- policy experts) claimed that Bill Clinton is personally to blame for the current crisis in North Korea. That's right, you heard me. Okay, stop laughing, there's more. Their argument is this: Clinton (as a rule) refused to take a hard line approach to foreign policy. Rather, he opted for treaties and peaceful diplomacy. In 1994 Clinton succeeded in signing a treaty with North Korea, calling for Kim Jong IL to "give up his plutonium-based nuclear weapons program." Obviously, to no fault of Clinton or Bush, Kim Jong IL changed his mind. Coulter and her band ding-dongs would have you believe that if Clinton had been tougher on them, we wouldn't be in this mess. Makes sense, right? Of course not, don't be a lunkhead.

To the contrary. If it hadn't been for that 1994 treaty, North Korea's plutonium and weapons program would, most likely, be much more developed. And as for Bush’s my-way-or-the-highway approach to foreign policy... well, we see how that’s workin’ out.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

"The All England Lawn Tennis Club Single Handed Champion of the World."

Zoinks, what a day for men's Tennis. Roger Federer won the prestigious Wimbledon cup for the fourth consecutive year defeating Rafael Nadal 6-0, 7-6(5), 6-7(2), 6-3 in just under two hours. This was Federer's eighth Grand Slam victory and 39th career title.

Today Federer became only the sixth man to claim four straight Wimbledon titles and the eighth player to win four or more crowns at the All-England Lawn Tennis Club. He also extended his grass-court winning streak to 48 matches. He definitely seems on track to catch up to, if not pass Sampras', Grand Slam title record.

As an American, though, I think it's too bad that the rivalry between Roddick and Federer that was heating up a couple years ago has seemed to fizzle. Oh well, it's pretty entertaining watching that fiery Spaniard in the clam-diggers.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Well, it's official. Our President is a certifiable loon. In case you aren’t aware of it, Human Events Online is a source for news and commentary for the ultra right-wingers. They boast a list of contributors, authors and columnists that include the likes of Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, Robert Novak, Pat Buchanan and John Hawkins. Well, according to an article published on June 12, the Bush administration is “advancing the plan to build a huge NAFTA Super Highway, four football-fields-wide, through the heart of the U.S. along Interstate 35, from the Mexican border at Laredo, Tex., to the Canadian border north of Duluth, Minn.”

Now, usually when one refers to the size of something by referencing a football field, it’s the length that’s referenced — probably because it’s longer. Not to insult anyone’s math skills or knowledge of athletic surface dimensions, but that’s 480 yards (1440 feet). Wow. That pretty much puts I-35 in my front yard. Talk about imminent domain. I would venture to guess that this “super corridor” would require the largest land grab since... well, since we first grabbed up all the land.

Perhaps W and his oil baron cronies are diversifying into the concrete business.

Look here, you little turd. You better stop launching your missiles or we’re gonna, um, get mad and sick the magnificent, American war machine on ya. Don’t get me wrong, while we all appreciate the diversion from the ongoing cluster in Iraqastan, you’re starting to act like this is a free world and that’s getting in the way of our plan to spread democracy.

I know, I know. You don't have the technology to even construct a missile that could reach U.S. soil, but it's Japan we're worried about. I mean, what kind of crazy country would dream of wielding a WMD against the Japanese?

Anyway... cut it out!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

A U.S. soldier takes position near Haifa street in Baghdad, June 23, 2006. The U.S. military has launched a criminal investigation into whether U.S. soldiers killed a family of four Iraqi civilians in their home south of Baghdad, officials said on Friday. Here you seen the soldier in a tense standoff with a poster suspected of having strong ties to the insurgency. (Namir Noor-Eldeen/Reuters)

Friday, June 30, 2006

U.S. Army soldiers from the 1st Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment conduct a routine patrol in Mahmoudiyah, Iraq Sunday, May 28, 2006. The U.S. Army is investigating charges that five Iraqi citizens of that town have been violating their strict homes association rules of conduct. The charges stem from an anonymous tip alleging the inappropriate use of paint, landscaping and lawn ornaments. One of the accused, Yasser Omran Khatab Alkhazraji is an other wise law abiding member of the Mahmoudiyah community. Alkhazraji claims his innocence saying he was "just trying to spruce up this godforsaken place."

2nd Lt. Corp Tommy Purdue, an Army spokesman for the case, had this to say: "Believe me, after being in this arm pit of a country for the past twenty-eight months, I can understand his position but rules are rules. It clearly states in the bi-laws of the Mahmoudiyah neighborhood homes association charter that 'no resident will be allowed the use any paint color other than what has been approved by the MNHA.' Those colors are 'drab, dismal, grim, hopeless, dingy, dreary, and disconsolate.' Those are all perfectly lovely shades of brown and grey and anyone in this town should be more than happy with those choices."

Mr. Alkhazraji is accused of painting his entire front door a bewitching shade of periwinkle and, if convicted, he will be beheaded. (AP Photo/Ryan Lenz)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Enough is enough, I say. Regardless of your opinion on the Orwellian policies of the NSA or whether or not you think the Bush administration is recklessly upsetting the system of checks and balances, I think we can all agree that our government has overstepped it’s bounds this time. Will they stop at nothing? Who do they think they are? I’ll tell you what, Congress ought to stop jackin’ around with trivial crap like gay marriage and flag burning and get down to amending the Constitution to protect the part of the fabric of this nation that really needs to be kept sacrosanct.

Friday, June 23, 2006

We all know how the modern day Democrats continue to be out-spun and out-maneuvered by the shifty (albeit clever) GOP, but it would seem to me that if the Dem’s don’t strike now, they never will. Yesterday, Frist and his minions essentially handed the gun to the Democrats and dared them to shoot.

And, you gotta love the latest batch of Repubilcan spinisms: “Cut and run,” “defeatism,” “policy of retreat,” and “vote to surrender.”

Since the Republicans keep referring to Iraqi demilitarization bills as “policy of retreat” and the estate tax as the “death tax,” Maybe the Democrats start referring to the NRA as "The Murder Lobby,” (Psmoke's idea) and the NSA surveillance advocates as "The Big Brother Lobby.” In fact, how about we call start calling those who oppose the idea of getting our troops out of harm’s way as “American killers” or “troop abandoners.”

Finally, I think that we would be well within our rights to reinstate the original title of the post that Rumsfeld now holds — Secretary of War.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Hooray, I have a new pet peeve.

First, a little background. During the summer months I spend a great deal of my weekends taking my kids to the pool. (I mean that in the literal sense, not in the morning constitutional sense.) It's a great way to really relax and get tan at the same time. And the kids love it, it wears them out, and it's darn good for them.

Anyway, while I sit pool-side I often have someone else sitting about four feet away. Normally, that's a comfortable distance but when that person is talking on the phone, they may as well be talking to me. Point? Saturday, this pasty, dumpy guy chooses a seat a couple chairs away. After he plops himself down he decides it would be a good time to catch up on his personal phone calls.

First he calls his sister who is evidently going through a serious divorce. He -- let's call him Chad -- is doing his brotherly duty by consoling her. It quickly becomes clear to me that this guy sees himself as a bit of a sage -- a dispenser of wisdom, if you will. I've only been listening to this guy for three or four minutes before I decide that I hate him for the way he talks. You know how people have quirky habits when they talk? Like when people make little quotation marks around their head. Or when people say "ya know wut I mean" or "know wut I'm sayin?" Chad has a tendency to plagiarize song titles in everyday conversation. For instance, he couldn't quite figure out what to say to sis so he sums it up be saying: "Helen, I wrote a song -- maybe you've heard it -- it's called "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do."

Isn't that weird? I guess it's normal to quote people but it's odd that he would take credit for a song that someone else obviously wrote. It seemed surreal to me. I heard him burp that out and thought, "Hmm, he doesn't look like Neil Sedaka."

The full gravity of the weirdness didn't sink in until I realized that he apparently does this a lot. He then called his brother, Glenn, to discuss the idea of them going with Helen to go visit their Dad in Colorado. Once that was resolved they moved on to discuss the fact that Glenn is stuck in a dead end job that he hates. Glenn's making himself ill because he's working too much and he's all stressed out. Chad is trying to convince him that life is too short to have a sucky job so he captures the sentiment by saying: "Look Glenn, I wrote a song -- maybe you've heard it -- it's called "Take This Job and Shove It." Wouldn't it suck to be related to that guy.

He then calls his Dad to inform him that his three kids were planning to inflict themselves upon him. After a couple attempts at coaxing Dad to buy into their plan he says: "Dad, I wrote a song -- maybe you've heard it -- it's called "We Are Family."

You know, come to think of it, I wrote a song -- maybe you've heard it -- it's called "Everybody knows, that the world is full of stupid people."

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Since tomorrow is a horrible day and there should be no lunches, breakfasts, brunch, snacks, treats, and run-on sentences, so if you have anything in there in the refrigerator in the kitchen in containers you want to keep from the K.S. Jaws of Justice, please take home tonight.

I will be cleaning the frig, "the fridge" and the frigerator out tomorrow about 2:00a.m. and everything will go. It WILL go. You think i can't eat that sonofabitch? watch me. i won't even take the door off. Just an FYI, atheists.

Also, thanks for helping in keeping the sink empty and the microwave cover clean. I WILL eat those too. Keep up the good work!

p.s. Please be sure to stick around for the One-Twenty Heat Index Face Smash Contest following the bake-off where we will polish off the leftovers in gelling our dehydrated gullets in the sun in the heat in the family fun corporate bleak of mankind. Go America!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Okay, so I have this theory. Wanna hear it? Good. The coolness level of a motor vehicle (and thereby the operator) has a direct correlation to its vertical to horizontal ratio. The greater x is in relation to y, the cooler the vehicle. Conversely, the greater y is in relation to x, the dorkier the vehicle. Follow me? Here's an example. Exhibit A, a Lamborghini Murcielago. As far as cars go, it's hard to dispute that that's a pretty cool car. It's much longer than it is tall. It boasts a length of about fifteen feet while having a rather modest height of three feet, eight inches.

Exhibit B, a BMW 325Ci Coupe. Not as cool as the Lamborghini, but without a doubt, a very cool car. This lady killer sports a length of about 13 feet. That's just one foot shy of our curve-setting Italian mama but the difference here is in the height -- four and one half feet. Rather long, but tall by comparison. See where we are going? (photo shown is a sedan. Whatever, you get the idea. Squint if you have to.)

Exhibit C: The motorcycle. In this case a Harley XL 1200R Sportster. The width is seven and one half feet while the height is about forty inches. This is a very cool mode of transportation but you will notice that our length is continuing to not be quite so much more that that our length. Okay, I know that there are dozens upon dozens of arguments brewing. Why that make? Why a Sporster? Why not a Softtail? Motorcycles are way awesomer than cars. Jeezchrist. I picked a make with cred and a model with longevity. Okay? No? I don't care. It's a motorcycle, okay, not a lifestyle. Aside from the "Hey, I'm a Harley dude mystique, a sweet car is still better than a motorcycle. Live with it. Can we move on?

Exhibit D: The scooter. Uh-huh, that's right, you are starting to really see the deterioration now, aren't you. Check it, the Vespa GTS, in all it's glory. The length is just under seventy-six and one-half inches while the seat height is a whopping thirty inches. The gap is closing in? Think about this: the overall height of this love machine is around a foot taller than the seat height. I couldn't find any hard data on the total vertical dimension but even still, my point is made, right? Ironically, with a rider, it's almost square.

Exhibit E: The final vehicle, setting the dorky end of the cool-dorky spectrum. The Segway. I believ the positioning statement for this baby is "Mobility At Its Queerest." The width is a measly nineteen inches, and I'm not sure what the height is, (it's adjustable) but with a adult male of average height on board, it's about six foot, eight inches.

So now you see, the coolness of a vehicle has a direct correlation to its vertical to horizontal ratio. The wider a vehicle is, as compared to its height, the cooler the vehicle. The taller vehicle, as compared to its width, the dorkier the vehicle. Brilliant!