Friday, June 30, 2006

U.S. Army soldiers from the 1st Battalion, 502nd Infantry Regiment conduct a routine patrol in Mahmoudiyah, Iraq Sunday, May 28, 2006. The U.S. Army is investigating charges that five Iraqi citizens of that town have been violating their strict homes association rules of conduct. The charges stem from an anonymous tip alleging the inappropriate use of paint, landscaping and lawn ornaments. One of the accused, Yasser Omran Khatab Alkhazraji is an other wise law abiding member of the Mahmoudiyah community. Alkhazraji claims his innocence saying he was "just trying to spruce up this godforsaken place."

2nd Lt. Corp Tommy Purdue, an Army spokesman for the case, had this to say: "Believe me, after being in this arm pit of a country for the past twenty-eight months, I can understand his position but rules are rules. It clearly states in the bi-laws of the Mahmoudiyah neighborhood homes association charter that 'no resident will be allowed the use any paint color other than what has been approved by the MNHA.' Those colors are 'drab, dismal, grim, hopeless, dingy, dreary, and disconsolate.' Those are all perfectly lovely shades of brown and grey and anyone in this town should be more than happy with those choices."

Mr. Alkhazraji is accused of painting his entire front door a bewitching shade of periwinkle and, if convicted, he will be beheaded. (AP Photo/Ryan Lenz)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Enough is enough, I say. Regardless of your opinion on the Orwellian policies of the NSA or whether or not you think the Bush administration is recklessly upsetting the system of checks and balances, I think we can all agree that our government has overstepped it’s bounds this time. Will they stop at nothing? Who do they think they are? I’ll tell you what, Congress ought to stop jackin’ around with trivial crap like gay marriage and flag burning and get down to amending the Constitution to protect the part of the fabric of this nation that really needs to be kept sacrosanct.

Friday, June 23, 2006

We all know how the modern day Democrats continue to be out-spun and out-maneuvered by the shifty (albeit clever) GOP, but it would seem to me that if the Dem’s don’t strike now, they never will. Yesterday, Frist and his minions essentially handed the gun to the Democrats and dared them to shoot.

And, you gotta love the latest batch of Repubilcan spinisms: “Cut and run,” “defeatism,” “policy of retreat,” and “vote to surrender.”

Since the Republicans keep referring to Iraqi demilitarization bills as “policy of retreat” and the estate tax as the “death tax,” Maybe the Democrats start referring to the NRA as "The Murder Lobby,” (Psmoke's idea) and the NSA surveillance advocates as "The Big Brother Lobby.” In fact, how about we call start calling those who oppose the idea of getting our troops out of harm’s way as “American killers” or “troop abandoners.”

Finally, I think that we would be well within our rights to reinstate the original title of the post that Rumsfeld now holds — Secretary of War.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Hooray, I have a new pet peeve.

First, a little background. During the summer months I spend a great deal of my weekends taking my kids to the pool. (I mean that in the literal sense, not in the morning constitutional sense.) It's a great way to really relax and get tan at the same time. And the kids love it, it wears them out, and it's darn good for them.

Anyway, while I sit pool-side I often have someone else sitting about four feet away. Normally, that's a comfortable distance but when that person is talking on the phone, they may as well be talking to me. Point? Saturday, this pasty, dumpy guy chooses a seat a couple chairs away. After he plops himself down he decides it would be a good time to catch up on his personal phone calls.

First he calls his sister who is evidently going through a serious divorce. He -- let's call him Chad -- is doing his brotherly duty by consoling her. It quickly becomes clear to me that this guy sees himself as a bit of a sage -- a dispenser of wisdom, if you will. I've only been listening to this guy for three or four minutes before I decide that I hate him for the way he talks. You know how people have quirky habits when they talk? Like when people make little quotation marks around their head. Or when people say "ya know wut I mean" or "know wut I'm sayin?" Chad has a tendency to plagiarize song titles in everyday conversation. For instance, he couldn't quite figure out what to say to sis so he sums it up be saying: "Helen, I wrote a song -- maybe you've heard it -- it's called "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do."

Isn't that weird? I guess it's normal to quote people but it's odd that he would take credit for a song that someone else obviously wrote. It seemed surreal to me. I heard him burp that out and thought, "Hmm, he doesn't look like Neil Sedaka."

The full gravity of the weirdness didn't sink in until I realized that he apparently does this a lot. He then called his brother, Glenn, to discuss the idea of them going with Helen to go visit their Dad in Colorado. Once that was resolved they moved on to discuss the fact that Glenn is stuck in a dead end job that he hates. Glenn's making himself ill because he's working too much and he's all stressed out. Chad is trying to convince him that life is too short to have a sucky job so he captures the sentiment by saying: "Look Glenn, I wrote a song -- maybe you've heard it -- it's called "Take This Job and Shove It." Wouldn't it suck to be related to that guy.

He then calls his Dad to inform him that his three kids were planning to inflict themselves upon him. After a couple attempts at coaxing Dad to buy into their plan he says: "Dad, I wrote a song -- maybe you've heard it -- it's called "We Are Family."

You know, come to think of it, I wrote a song -- maybe you've heard it -- it's called "Everybody knows, that the world is full of stupid people."

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Since tomorrow is a horrible day and there should be no lunches, breakfasts, brunch, snacks, treats, and run-on sentences, so if you have anything in there in the refrigerator in the kitchen in containers you want to keep from the K.S. Jaws of Justice, please take home tonight.

I will be cleaning the frig, "the fridge" and the frigerator out tomorrow about 2:00a.m. and everything will go. It WILL go. You think i can't eat that sonofabitch? watch me. i won't even take the door off. Just an FYI, atheists.

Also, thanks for helping in keeping the sink empty and the microwave cover clean. I WILL eat those too. Keep up the good work!

p.s. Please be sure to stick around for the One-Twenty Heat Index Face Smash Contest following the bake-off where we will polish off the leftovers in gelling our dehydrated gullets in the sun in the heat in the family fun corporate bleak of mankind. Go America!