If you are contemplating the acquisition of your very own "The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine" (TGFLMFRGM), perhaps I can be of assistance. Then again, maybe I am the last person in America to get one. (Actually, it was a gift card purchase.) I don't know. Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling like doing a good deed. Whatever, let's get on with it.

I've long felt that the notion of grilling any type of edible without fire was fundamentally flawed. Food snob? Maybe. Regardless, today I will take you along with me and muse you of the different foodstuffs I've prepared as I travel along on my never ending quest for culinary euphoria. Some experiences are sure to be galacticly, tummy tingling but others will undoubtedly be nothing short of cataclysmic tragedies. Regardless, the journey will be commoving and exhilarating. Come now.

Item one: Wild, Atlantic, king salmon filet -- about 3/4 inch think
Prep: Lightly brushed with extra virgin olive oil and sprinkled with kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper. Sweet and simple. Let's see what this thing can do.
Cook time: 8 minutes
Outcome: Superb. The flesh of the fish was incredibly flaky and moist. The natural oils in the fish after coming in contact with the heated surface of TGFLMFRGM created a delicate and subtle caramelized crisp. Served with butter-laced long grain wild rice, steamed wax beans lightly kissed with lemon zest, and an arugala salad. Accompanied, of course, by a glass of German Riesling.

Well now, since my initial endorsement was quite glowing, I want to make sure I provide with a fair and balanced review so that you can be a cute, little, well-informed consumer. Thusly...

Item two: A ten ounce, 1 inch, Kansas City strip steak -- grain-fed in Amana, Iowa
Prep: Again, Lightly brushed with extra virgin olive oil and sprinkled with kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper just prior to cooking. Again, simple and sweet. No hiding behind any tenderizing or moisturizing marinades.
Cook time: 4 minutes -- medium rare
Outcome: Abominable, at worst -- mediocre, at best. The inside flesh was cooked to the perfect state and the juiciness was sufficient but the overall flavor was less than uninspiring. The single and constant cooking temperature of TGFLMFRGM did not allow for the dark searing found on a steak finely prepared over an open flame. Served, bitterly, with a double vodka martini garnished with two blue cheese-stuffed olives.

Bottom line? I don't know yet. Preliminary results suggest that the TGFLMFRGM should be used to prepare fish. I've known others to suggest that it produces a decent hamburger but I have my doubts. I may post on this again in the event I attempt to us my TGFLMFRGM again. Until proven otherwise I'm going to assume that it walks on the earth and breaths oxygen, positive results are doubtful. And if it live in water, you'll prolly have better luck.

Until next time,
Love, peace, and chicken grease.

From now on, I'm not going to write anything else about politics. It's a decision I've made for the sake of my health. Since it's probably going to take a little bit to get my groove back, I'm going to publish a repost to, you know, clear the boards.

From May 11, 2006:

I don't really know anything about Jessica Simpson other than the fact that her and some guy named Nick are having relationship issues. Well, I do know one other thing about her: she's in a very hilarious SNL skit. I've watched it probably a dozen times and it cracks my shit up every time.