Alright! War! Let's get it on! Nothing's better for the global morale and economy than a full-on, apocalyptic knock-down-drag-out! And it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from! White, black, yellow, brown, ochre, mother of pearl! Shitfire, let's blow some shit up!

Of course, as usual, the Americans are the trend setters -- fire starters, if you will! We got the ball of global destruction rolling and two glorious displays of kickin' foreigner ass! (Afghanistan and Iraq for those of you who are currently wrapped up in NASCAR to notice! [No offense, by the way. My dad watches that shit and ya know how much I adore my pop! Except I'm pissed at him for not going to war when he was younger! I mean, WTF old man?! Afraid of a little hand-to-hand in a rice patty?! No appetite for a glass of fresh-squeezed Agent Orange?! Tev, let's move on!])

Where were we?! Oh, yeah, war! We got the party started, y’all, and now Israel is hip to our crunked-up plutonium kegger! They’re kickin the living snot out of those Lebanese for what they did!

We got some more earth-crushin’ in the works, donchaknow! That Kim Jong Il is ripe for the picking! How about a heapin’ helpin’ of Korean War 2.0?! I mean, jeez, what’s a guy gotta do to bring the noise?! He’s firing balistic party favors at the country that supplies us with our Playstations and our flat screens! Let the little guy in on the fun and throw a couple souped-up Roman candles his way and let him know “it’s on!” He’s even willing to bring his friend, China! You know they’re spoiling for a some Earth-wide Fight Club — they had to sit at the kiddy table in the first two world wars and they’ve some catching up to do! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is begging to join the shindig, too! Crap, Condi even has France, Germany, China and Russia on board with knocking his dick in the sand! There’s even a fun little war-down happening in Darfur! There’s no reason why Africa can't get into the fray! The more the merrier, I say! You don’t even have to have your own war, just ask these happy customers: Great Britain, Australia, Italy, Canada, Denmark, Poland and more! They didn’t have their own ride so the carpooled with us on the Coalition of the Willing Party Bus!

And let’s not forget that nebulous WAR ON TERROR!® Never mind that it’s actually not a war at all and more of a vaporous police action! But let’s not split hairs! Fighting is still fighting and a party is a party! Bring the hate, everybody! Woo-woo!

P.S.: I’m on board with O’Ring, it’s time to shit or get off the pot! I’ll bring the chips!