THE UN SECURITY COUNCIL, NEW YORK – Tuesday, US Ambassador John Bolton declared that the almighty Bush administration would submit a draft resolution in the Security Council mandating economic sanctions against Iran if it fails to heed demands for a freeze of its uranium enrichment activities. Or else.

Iran’s top nuclear negotiator Ali Larijani (above) delivered Tehran's response: “Iran is ready to assume its responsibilities at a regional and international level and return to the negotiating table. But you’ve got shit for brains if you think we are going to cower to pressure from the Americans or the sissypants United Nations.”

Angered by Iran’s continued stubbornness, Kofi Annan surprised members of the Security Council by ordering full-on attack. It was only a matter of moments before the UN’s full arsenal of atomic microphones were ablaze. “It all happened so fast.” A witness recalled, “I don’t think he knew what hit him. One minute he was yammering on and the next minute he was being annihilated by weapons of mass detection.”