You’re welcome! Mega-giant oil goliath, ConocoPhillips, publicly issued a thank you to me today. This kind gesture didn’t come in the form of a Hallmark card like you might expect. Instead, they creatively chose a press release as the vehicle to express their gratitude. You see, like all Americans, I donate forty to fifty dollars each week to help out my friendly, neighborhood petroleum conglomerate. They need a little support in these tough times, too. So like any good Samaritan, I pitch in to help them make ends meet. And with my help, they’re getting by.

July 20, 2006 was a profoundly sad day for America. The person who holds the ill-gotten position of President of The United States vetoed a bill that would have expanded federal funding of research on newer lines of stem cells. The passage of this bill would have given a turbo boost to the types of research that are devoted to curing diseases like diabetes, Parkinson's, Alhzeihmer's and more. Geedub took it upon himself to ignore the will of the people as well as the will of both houses of congress. Why should anyone be surprised at that? As far as he's concerned, it's "his" presidency, not ours. To hell with everyone. This guy is really establishing quite the legacy for himself. Some day our grandkids will be sitting in their history class learning about Nixon, Castro, and Napoleon and think "at least they weren't George Bush."

Let's take a break and watch as Jon Stewart dissects the Bush Administration's two-faced, self-conflicted policies. Sort of a new take on the "why are pro-life folks also the pro-capital punishment folks."

The President "thinks murder is wrong?" He's from Texas. Where, as govenor, he gave executions away like cereal bowls at the ball park. He's been President for five years and he's waged two wars. WTF? The only thing worse than a doctor with a God complex is a President with a God complex.

On behalf of the founder of the New Release Thursday Institute, the exalted Little Miss Monkeyshines, I welcome you to the NRT annex. This weeks feature actually came out in June.



Fourteen years after their debut release, Pearl Jam has released their self-titled album. Which, to many non-faithful fans, is apropriate since (according to them) all albums recorded between Ten and this one, didn’t count. Over the past few weeks, I can’t tell you how many times the phrase “Pearl Jam is back” has been uttered or written. I happen to disagree. You see, there are two camps: There are those that expected every subsequent release to have the same orgasmic, give-em-everything-you-have-every-time style that makes most bands famous before they crash and burn. Then there are those, like myself, that watched them as they evolved and matured. I’ve followed them closely since I discovered them in a live performance back in the summer of 92. I went to the show, largely to see The Red Hot Chili Peppers and was blown away by the show-stealing display of belt-you-in-the-face rock and roll. Complete with Eddie’s stage antics which included his signature move of climbing to the top of the scaffolding that surrounds the stage and jumping into the crowd. (He almost kicked me in the head.)

To make matters worse, those in the just-give-me-more-of-the-same club were further irritated by Eddie’s belly aching about being famous. After the daunting fame that accompanied the smashing success of Ten, he intentionally lead the band in a path that strayed from the careening rode to stardom. Instead, much to the dismay of his band mates, whenever he felt like the band was beginning to break into a gallop that might result in a radio hit, he would pull back the reins. In hide sight, it was the wisest thing he could have done for the band. Instead of going full bore into the realm of super stardom — a strategy that would have probably meant the end of Pearl Jam — he nurtured the quintet into a solid, unbreakable band.

With this release, Eddie and the boys have reached the maturity they were seeking. They’ve decided that it’s time be okay with giving it all now and then. Actually a bit more than now and then. The first half of this avocado clad masterpiece is pure wad-shooting rock and roll that’s making them as popular as ever and is their best single collection of new music since Yield. Like I said before, Pearl Jam has always been a little antiestablishment-minded — some times even combative. Take the afore mentioned stance against their own success; their battles with Ticketmaster; their continuous disdain for GW and his wars. And this album is no different but somehow they managed to harness the rage to fuel a rediscovered popular success. The first single from Pearl Jam, "World Wide Suicide," is an unveiled attack on the administration and the current war they have our country wallowing in. The albums opening track, “Life wasted,” is also destined for radio conquest. It’s a brash, teeth-gritting, call to arms designed to rally disenchanted liberal activists to stop lick our wounds and take back our country. Hell, almost every track is dripping with brilliance so I’m not going to dissect them. Just go listen to them. A lot.

Pearl Jam is bound for greatness. They are as raw and hard-hitting as they were in their beginning and they are the closest thing to a true, honest-to-goodness rock and roll band that there is right now. Eddie’s saber-toothed vocals and intelligent, yet artful lyrics. Two fantastic and complementary guitarist: Stone Gossard’s kick-you-in-the-nuts, bounce-off-the-walls, frenzied style blends well with the more complex, intricate and unique style of Mike McCready. And Matt Cameron? Please. This guy plays drums like he made it up.

Make room in the Hall of Fame for Pearl Jam and make room on your self for Pearl Jam.

Alright! War! Let's get it on! Nothing's better for the global morale and economy than a full-on, apocalyptic knock-down-drag-out! And it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from! White, black, yellow, brown, ochre, mother of pearl! Shitfire, let's blow some shit up!

Of course, as usual, the Americans are the trend setters -- fire starters, if you will! We got the ball of global destruction rolling and two glorious displays of kickin' foreigner ass! (Afghanistan and Iraq for those of you who are currently wrapped up in NASCAR to notice! [No offense, by the way. My dad watches that shit and ya know how much I adore my pop! Except I'm pissed at him for not going to war when he was younger! I mean, WTF old man?! Afraid of a little hand-to-hand in a rice patty?! No appetite for a glass of fresh-squeezed Agent Orange?! Tev, let's move on!])

Where were we?! Oh, yeah, war! We got the party started, y’all, and now Israel is hip to our crunked-up plutonium kegger! They’re kickin the living snot out of those Lebanese for what they did!

We got some more earth-crushin’ in the works, donchaknow! That Kim Jong Il is ripe for the picking! How about a heapin’ helpin’ of Korean War 2.0?! I mean, jeez, what’s a guy gotta do to bring the noise?! He’s firing balistic party favors at the country that supplies us with our Playstations and our flat screens! Let the little guy in on the fun and throw a couple souped-up Roman candles his way and let him know “it’s on!” He’s even willing to bring his friend, China! You know they’re spoiling for a some Earth-wide Fight Club — they had to sit at the kiddy table in the first two world wars and they’ve some catching up to do! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is begging to join the shindig, too! Crap, Condi even has France, Germany, China and Russia on board with knocking his dick in the sand! There’s even a fun little war-down happening in Darfur! There’s no reason why Africa can't get into the fray! The more the merrier, I say! You don’t even have to have your own war, just ask these happy customers: Great Britain, Australia, Italy, Canada, Denmark, Poland and more! They didn’t have their own ride so the carpooled with us on the Coalition of the Willing Party Bus!

And let’s not forget that nebulous WAR ON TERROR!® Never mind that it’s actually not a war at all and more of a vaporous police action! But let’s not split hairs! Fighting is still fighting and a party is a party! Bring the hate, everybody! Woo-woo!

P.S.: I’m on board with O’Ring, it’s time to shit or get off the pot! I’ll bring the chips!

In the spirit of Little Miss Monkeyshines' esteemed "New Release Thursday," I've decided to share a little musical discovery of my own. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Super Black Market.

SBM is a local bad who is up for Kansas City Punk Band of the Year. Their music is a bit prickly so if you decided to take nibble, you might want to do so a little later in the day -- it's a bit jarring for first thing in the morning. As is the case with many KC bands (of all genres), they are doing things just a little differently.

One other point of interest: the cover art was designed by a friend, and former colleague, of mine. Nicely done Cobra Dragon.

I take it all back. As it turns out, Zidane's move was indeed brilliant. He knew what he was doing we just know it. He was leaving his legacy in a much bigger way off the field.

Everyone in the world already knows this but what the hell?

During the World Cup final, France's Zinedine Zidane decided to let his frustration get the better of him and headbutt Marco Materazzi. Of course, this gave him a red flag and an early exit. Schmuck. Zidane could of ended his career with a World Cup win however, he chose to end it in shame. Not only did he ruin it for himself, his teammates, and all of France (there is little doubt that Zidane would have made a difference when it came to France's PKs), he defined his legacy as "the guy who headbutted some dude in the chest." Grats to Italy on the win.

On Saturday's Adam Carolla radio show, Ann Coulter (seen here at her "other job") called into the show an hour and a half late. Here's the transcript:

ADAM CAROLLA: Ann Coulter, who was suppose to be on the show about an hour and a half ago, is now on the phone, as well. Ann?

ANN COULTER: Hello.

CAROLLA: Hi Ann. You’re late, babydoll.

COULTER: Uh, somebody gave me the wrong number.

CAROLLA: Mmm… how did you get the right number? Just dialed randomly — eventually got to our show? (Laughter in background)

COULTER: Um, no. My publicist e-mailed it to me, I guess, after checking with you.

CAROLLA: Ahh, I see.

COULTER: But I am really tight on time right now because I already had a —

CAROLLA: Alright, well, get lost. (Hangs up.)

[Crosstalk in the studio]

CAROLLA: I’m tight on time, too, and I don’t have time for bitches, so let’s move on.

[…]

[inaudible] Tight on time… Go f- yourself, you’re tight on time.

Female co-host (Teresa Strasser or Sarah Silverman?): I say this to Ann Coulter. Why the long face? (Laughter)

CAROLLA: Listen, you bitch, don’t call in an hour and a half late and tell me you’re “tight on time.” Of course you’re tight on time, you’re an hour and a half God-damn late calling into a radio show. Just take your stupid book and go pitch it to your stupid cable outlets.

Congratulations to Ann Coulter for winning the coveted Crackpot of the Year Award. (Seen here with her good pal, Al Sharpton)

This weekend, during the the airing of the Fox News program "Your World," she (along with a couple of -- hehe -- policy experts) claimed that Bill Clinton is personally to blame for the current crisis in North Korea. That's right, you heard me. Okay, stop laughing, there's more. Their argument is this: Clinton (as a rule) refused to take a hard line approach to foreign policy. Rather, he opted for treaties and peaceful diplomacy. In 1994 Clinton succeeded in signing a treaty with North Korea, calling for Kim Jong IL to "give up his plutonium-based nuclear weapons program." Obviously, to no fault of Clinton or Bush, Kim Jong IL changed his mind. Coulter and her band ding-dongs would have you believe that if Clinton had been tougher on them, we wouldn't be in this mess. Makes sense, right? Of course not, don't be a lunkhead.

To the contrary. If it hadn't been for that 1994 treaty, North Korea's plutonium and weapons program would, most likely, be much more developed. And as for Bush’s my-way-or-the-highway approach to foreign policy... well, we see how that’s workin’ out.

"The All England Lawn Tennis Club Single Handed Champion of the World."

Zoinks, what a day for men's Tennis. Roger Federer won the prestigious Wimbledon cup for the fourth consecutive year defeating Rafael Nadal 6-0, 7-6(5), 6-7(2), 6-3 in just under two hours. This was Federer's eighth Grand Slam victory and 39th career title.

Today Federer became only the sixth man to claim four straight Wimbledon titles and the eighth player to win four or more crowns at the All-England Lawn Tennis Club. He also extended his grass-court winning streak to 48 matches. He definitely seems on track to catch up to, if not pass Sampras', Grand Slam title record.

As an American, though, I think it's too bad that the rivalry between Roddick and Federer that was heating up a couple years ago has seemed to fizzle. Oh well, it's pretty entertaining watching that fiery Spaniard in the clam-diggers.

Well, it's official. Our President is a certifiable loon. In case you aren’t aware of it, Human Events Online is a source for news and commentary for the ultra right-wingers. They boast a list of contributors, authors and columnists that include the likes of Ann Coulter, Newt Gingrich, Robert Novak, Pat Buchanan and John Hawkins. Well, according to an article published on June 12, the Bush administration is “advancing the plan to build a huge NAFTA Super Highway, four football-fields-wide, through the heart of the U.S. along Interstate 35, from the Mexican border at Laredo, Tex., to the Canadian border north of Duluth, Minn.”

Now, usually when one refers to the size of something by referencing a football field, it’s the length that’s referenced — probably because it’s longer. Not to insult anyone’s math skills or knowledge of athletic surface dimensions, but that’s 480 yards (1440 feet). Wow. That pretty much puts I-35 in my front yard. Talk about imminent domain. I would venture to guess that this “super corridor” would require the largest land grab since... well, since we first grabbed up all the land.

Perhaps W and his oil baron cronies are diversifying into the concrete business.

Look here, you little turd. You better stop launching your missiles or we’re gonna, um, get mad and sick the magnificent, American war machine on ya. Don’t get me wrong, while we all appreciate the diversion from the ongoing cluster in Iraqastan, you’re starting to act like this is a free world and that’s getting in the way of our plan to spread democracy.

I know, I know. You don't have the technology to even construct a missile that could reach U.S. soil, but it's Japan we're worried about. I mean, what kind of crazy country would dream of wielding a WMD against the Japanese?

Anyway... cut it out!

A U.S. soldier takes position near Haifa street in Baghdad, June 23, 2006. The U.S. military has launched a criminal investigation into whether U.S. soldiers killed a family of four Iraqi civilians in their home south of Baghdad, officials said on Friday. Here you seen the soldier in a tense standoff with a poster suspected of having strong ties to the insurgency. (Namir Noor-Eldeen/Reuters)