GAZA CITY – A Palestinian boy holds a banner with a picture of US President George W. Bush with Arabic reading 'Bush Stop The War' during a rally against the violence in Lebanon and against Palestinian children, at the Unknown Soldier square in Gaza City, Tuesday. Although members of Hezbollah praised the young lad for his anti-American sentiments, he was later stoned to death for having poor marksmanship. “Look at his sign, that circle-line dealy-o isn't even close to the picture of dubya. That's some poor marksmanship. Are you kidding? This is a militia.” A Hezbollah official explained, “That shit will not be tolerated. Think of it as thinning the heard. Survival of the fittest. That sort of thing.”

Political instability all over the world seems to dominate the news every god-forsaken day. Nowhere is this more true than in the middle east. I don’t know about you but I just can’t keep it all straight. Iran hates Iraq (except when we hate Iraq). Hussein’s former Iraqi government hated the Kurds. Everyone hates Jordan because they frequently align themselves with our western policies — the same holds true for Georgia further to the north. Hamas and the Hezbollah militia in Lebanon hate the Jews in Israel and the Israelis hate them right back. Despite everyone’s efforts to iron shit out – inside or outside of the region – the scuttlebutt rages on.

It would seem that the reason for the unrest has dominated the region so long is that we just haven’t found the true source of the conflict — until now. That’s right, mochacho, I’ve figured it out. It's quite simple, really. The answer is proximity. They’re just too close together — the little buggers are packed in like sardines. You know how it is being cooped up with others in a tight space for too long. After a while, you start to hate everything about them. Now, I’m NOT talking in geographical terms here, I’m talking about their close proximity on the alphabetical landscape. Georgia. Hamas. Hezbollah. Hussein. Iraq. Iran. Israel. Jews. Jordan. Kurds. Lebanon. I don’t know why no one has picked up on this yet but they are all just six letters apart in the alphabet. That’s just too damn close. Hell, in a couple cases, there are two or three living in the same letter – it’s no wonder there’s so much fighting. Poor Israel is getting the worst of it. Not only do they get it from both side with Hamas and Hezbollah, but word on the street is the Harlem Globe Trotters are preparing to stage air strikes against them.

What’s the solution? Simple. Spread those mothers out, there’s a lot of real estate on the geo-alphabetical spectrum. There’s some really nice undeveloped land down around Q. And I heard the surfing is choice just off the coast of Y. It’s a bit crowded here in the A neighborhood however, but at least we’re on the end so we can open the window and stick our heads out.

WASHINGTON – President Bush made good on one of his promises to the American people. After declaring earlier this year that U.S. military presence in Iraq would be scaled back, yesterday it was announced that troop commitments would be raised to 138,000.

This new round of deployments is an involuntary recall of Marines in the Individual Ready Reserve, a group of the reserves that is made up of those who have left active duty but still have time remaining on their eight-year military obligations. This first time the Marines have used the involuntary recall since the beginning of the Iraq war.

The President has finally listened to the American people who keep demanding that our troops come home. What better way to reunite American families than to put those young American men and women on the ground in Iraq. The world finally makes sense again.

THE UN SECURITY COUNCIL, NEW YORK – Tuesday, US Ambassador John Bolton declared that the almighty Bush administration would submit a draft resolution in the Security Council mandating economic sanctions against Iran if it fails to heed demands for a freeze of its uranium enrichment activities. Or else.

Iran’s top nuclear negotiator Ali Larijani (above) delivered Tehran's response: “Iran is ready to assume its responsibilities at a regional and international level and return to the negotiating table. But you’ve got shit for brains if you think we are going to cower to pressure from the Americans or the sissypants United Nations.”

Angered by Iran’s continued stubbornness, Kofi Annan surprised members of the Security Council by ordering full-on attack. It was only a matter of moments before the UN’s full arsenal of atomic microphones were ablaze. “It all happened so fast.” A witness recalled, “I don’t think he knew what hit him. One minute he was yammering on and the next minute he was being annihilated by weapons of mass detection.”

WASHINGTON – For the first time since it's inception in late 2001, the Terror Alert Warning System for the Color Blind (TAWSCB), was raised to Pantone Matching System (PMS) Cool Grey 9. This measure was in response to Both U.S. and British governments claim that they've foiled a terror plot, allegedly the work of al-Qaida.

According to British officials, the scheme involved a plan to blow up a number of passenger jets flying from the United Kingdom to the United States. About two dozen suspected terrorists were arrested during the night.

In response to the plot, Homeland Security officials raised the TAWSCB threat level on commercial flights headed to the U.S. from Britain from PMS 420 to PMS Cool Grey 9, the highest level. All other U.S. flights are now under PMS 420, or high alert. Flights from the U.S. to the U.K. are also PMS 420.

U.S. Homeland Security Secretary, Michael Chertoff, said, "I would rather have more protection and then scale it back as we become more reassured than underestimate the problem and find out, God forbid, we made a tragic mistake. Believe me, you, I would much rather have a TAWSCB level of PMS Cool Grey 1. Or better yet PMS 424. Or ideally the lowest level, PMS 423. But that's crazy talk." Chertoff later added, "Look people, long gone are the days of PMS 424 and PMS 423. We could be looking at sustained levels of PMS 420, or even PMS Cool Grey 9, for some time -- months, maybe even years." Ironically, he then added, "We are continuing to adapt to the terrorists ever-evolving tactics. They are hellbent on jerkin' us around, it's that simple, they've made up their minds. It's black and white to these crackpots -- there are no shades of grey."

Galdern, is it Thursday already? I guess that means my vacation is almost over. Anyways, here goes the latest update to the annals of the National NRT Institute.

Before we get to it, let me state that (once again) I've spent money I ain't got. That's right, debt begets debt -- in spades. Even though I'm living hand to mouth I couldn't resist picking up the new release from the queen of politicalactivisticfolkalternativemusictypestuff -- Ani DiFranco. This gem is called Reprieve.

Now, Ani has had a long running career of creating ear candy bristling with political and social commentary, but this time something is different. She always seems to harness her distain for the system by concocting musical frolics that enlighten but also conjure a simile or three. This time something is different. Like many of us died-in-the-wool liberals, her frustration with the state of the world today, seems to have overtaken her. As usual, her lyrics and musicianship are topnotch but she seems to have failed to inject that smirk or sense of whimsy that has made us smile at all of her past commentaries. This album is as politically loaded as ever but it's evident that she's at her wit's end. Okay, think of it this way: imagine The Daily Show without the humor.

I know, all of that sounds like a pan, but it's not. Although Reprieve isn't what I expected, I love it because it's evidence that I'm not the only one that's, well, pissed off.

Millennium Theater. And as a bonus, here's one she performed live shortly after September 11, 2001.

Shitgoddamn, I'm back! Welcome once again to the NRT Annex. I'm your host, Dwardisimo Rex. I have some good news and some bad news. First the good news: I have a musical morsel that is sure to tantalize. The bad news? Since I'm as broke as an IT guy after a Star Trek convention, my new release isn't so new. You see, I've been meaning to go out and get the latest release from The Eagles of Death Metal but haven't been able to swing it, so for now we are going to pretend like their last album is there new one. Okay? You know, pretend. Think of it like the little game you played at dinner time when you were in college. You know the one: you sit down with the collection of label-less cans you bought from the scratch and dent corner of the grocery store for 10¢ a can, pick one, and try to guess what's in it. If you guess right, you reward yourself with a second, bonus, mystery can. (Hint, more often than not it was peaches.)

Anyway, on with our make believe.


Peace Love Death Metal is the creation of Josh Homme and Jesse Hughes. The Eagles of Death Metal is kind of an odd little concoction of a band — it's sort of a spin off project of a side project. Huh? Well, you probably know Homme best from Queens of the Stone Age so your pretty sure it's going to be unique and supercharged.

There are numerous hopped up tracks on this release but the one that stands out the most is Speaking In Tongues. It's hard to desribe this song's unbridled energy. But here goes nothing: It's like taking a dead wolverine, burying it in Steven King's Pet Cemetary. Then when it comes back to life you feed it a bottle of Viagra and a Red Bull.

By the way, there's no second can this time — I just can't afford it.