Okay, so I have this theory. Wanna hear it? Good. The coolness level of a motor vehicle (and thereby the operator) has a direct correlation to its vertical to horizontal ratio. The greater x is in relation to y, the cooler the vehicle. Conversely, the greater y is in relation to x, the dorkier the vehicle. Follow me? Here's an example. Exhibit A, a Lamborghini Murcielago. As far as cars go, it's hard to dispute that that's a pretty cool car. It's much longer than it is tall. It boasts a length of about fifteen feet while having a rather modest height of three feet, eight inches.



Exhibit B, a BMW 325Ci Coupe. Not as cool as the Lamborghini, but without a doubt, a very cool car. This lady killer sports a length of about 13 feet. That's just one foot shy of our curve-setting Italian mama but the difference here is in the height -- four and one half feet. Rather long, but tall by comparison. See where we are going? (photo shown is a sedan. Whatever, you get the idea. Squint if you have to.)



Exhibit C: The motorcycle. In this case a Harley XL 1200R Sportster. The width is seven and one half feet while the height is about forty inches. This is a very cool mode of transportation but you will notice that our length is continuing to not be quite so much more that that our length. Okay, I know that there are dozens upon dozens of arguments brewing. Why that make? Why a Sporster? Why not a Softtail? Motorcycles are way awesomer than cars. Jeezchrist. I picked a make with cred and a model with longevity. Okay? No? I don't care. It's a motorcycle, okay, not a lifestyle. Aside from the "Hey, I'm a Harley dude mystique, a sweet car is still better than a motorcycle. Live with it. Can we move on?



Exhibit D: The scooter. Uh-huh, that's right, you are starting to really see the deterioration now, aren't you. Check it, the Vespa GTS, in all it's glory. The length is just under seventy-six and one-half inches while the seat height is a whopping thirty inches. The gap is closing in? Think about this: the overall height of this love machine is around a foot taller than the seat height. I couldn't find any hard data on the total vertical dimension but even still, my point is made, right? Ironically, with a rider, it's almost square.



Exhibit E: The final vehicle, setting the dorky end of the cool-dorky spectrum. The Segway. I believ the positioning statement for this baby is "Mobility At Its Queerest." The width is a measly nineteen inches, and I'm not sure what the height is, (it's adjustable) but with a adult male of average height on board, it's about six foot, eight inches.


So now you see, the coolness of a vehicle has a direct correlation to its vertical to horizontal ratio. The wider a vehicle is, as compared to its height, the cooler the vehicle. The taller vehicle, as compared to its width, the dorkier the vehicle. Brilliant!

More on the debate over the ridiculous immigration legislation.

Okay voters, If you are still on the fence over how you think you congressperson should vote as they debate the ridiculous, pending immigration legislation, this could tip your scales. Think about it. No burritos? That's un-American.

Holy crap, it's a repost!

Quite literally the best restaurant in the world. Yeah that’s right, the BEST restaurant in the world. Now for those of you who are gasping, shouting at your screen declaring “How dare he?! What about the legendary El Bulli in Montjoi, Spain?!” Or, “Socla blue! Zertainlee you cannot beat ze Pierre Gagnaire in Paris!” Au contraire, Pepe le Pew! The world's best cuisine can undoubtedly be found at 1727 Brooklyn right in the heart of Kansas City, Missouri. Believe it. Confused? It’s simple, let me (in the immortal words of James Todd Smith) break it on down now. First, what is the best type of food in the world? Right, barbeque. Okay, next, what is the best place in the world to get barbeque? Right again, Arthur Bryant’s. Now you are enlighted. You see, at first you were inclined to disagree but now you can’t. So now, get down to business and plan that Pilgrimage. Repent sinners!

So this younger feller I know comes up to me on his twenty-eighth birthday and declares "Man, what a weight off my shoulders. It's such a relief to finally turn twenty-eight." Being the knuckle head I am, I took the bait, "Why?" "Being twenty-seven was really stressful," he continued "cuz of what can happen, ya know?" Mildly puzzled and irritated at my self for getting sucked into his vortex, I reply, "what the hell are you talking about?" "Shitgoddamn, you know. Jim Morrison died when he was twenty-seven. Janis Joplin died when she was twenty-seven. Jimi Hendrix died when he was twenty-seven. Kurt Cobain died when he was twenty-seven. Do you see the connection there? I was twenty-seven." Again, puzzled. "Hmm," I said. "Oh, I get it. You are a heroine-addicted, world-renowned rock star. Were you you affraid you were going to overdose or blow your brains out?"

Konichiwa. I'm not sure what to think about this. Is this a sport?

Porkchop sandwiches! Okay, do you remember the GI Joe cartoons from the '80s? Well, for a few years these cartoons were on everyday after school. You know, young republican stuff — vigilante soldiers blowin' crap up. Anyway at the end of every show, they had a PSA of some sort. Now, a some dudes have taken the footage from those PSAs and have done some mash-ups. Here is my favorite one.

I took my daughter to a birthday party at The Great Wolf Lodge in North KC. Have you seen this place? Holy crap. If you haven't, imagine Oceans of Fun if the Clampetts ran it. And it's inside of this log cabin/resort/theme hotel. It's, um, yeah — it's sumpin' else. The theme is only enhanced by the fact that within spitting distance you will find a NASCAR track and a Cabela's. Git 'er done!

It defies logic. I can't explain why I love the movie Drumline. I mean, it's not one of my favorite movies and I don't even own it. But whenever I channel surf into it, I watch it. This train wreck meets every criteria for a bad film: Bad acting, a paper-thin storyline, poor directing, the script and dialouge are completely retarded. Ridiculous casting. It's riddled with cliches, stereotypes and puns. The love story isn't intriging. Even the editing is noticably laughable. It's got it all. Aside from all of that, there isn't any reason why I should care. I don't relate to the rap/R&B culture, I was never in a band, I didn't like college, much less college sports or half time shows. However, Drumline is awesome. Weird.

What in tar nation is this world coming to? I mean when did people replace actual knocking with the act of just standing in your office doorway saying “knock-knock?” Wouldn’t it be easier to just knock? And what’s with people “thinking out loud?” It’s rather vexing, don’t cha know? It happens to me at work all the time. It’s been driving me bonkers. So much so that I decided to embrace it. And you should too, it’ll be oodles of fun.

How, you say? Okay, here’s how I got started: I was walking down the hall on my way to the WC one morning and walked up to a colleague and just said “handshake” without my hand extended. Neat, huh? Here’s another example submitted by PopperSmoke: go home at night, crawl into bed with whomever you crawl into bed with and say “sex” until you’ve both fallen asleep.

I’m telling you we could revolutionize inter-personal communication.

There are limitations, though. I tried to call my friend by saying “ring, ring” into the receiver. Didn’t work. And it actually backfired on me a couple of times. Earlier, a really hot coworker walked into my office and I said “sex fantasy.” She turned around and stormed out. I think I’m going to be in trouble. And yesterday I went into the stall to take a crap and said “pull down my pants.” I had to go home and change.

On second thought this doesn’t sound like such a good idea after all because I’ve been saying “four-course meal” all week. I’m so hungry I think I’m going to faint.

Nothing binds a family together like a good old-fashioned family tradition. Like, say, taking a family portrait every Easter Sunday. Good times.

GIVEITTOMENOW!™ You know, I’ve never been much on facial hair. Don’t get me wrong, I’m good with it on other folks — Gramke has been known to sport a fly goatee — I’ve just never fancied it my self. Until now. The girls are going to love this, I just know it.

Okay, I used to work on the Winn-Dixie account at a local advertising agency turned technology company. I've become fascinated with the how poorly Winn-Dixie is running their company. (Or how well they are running it if by “running” you mean “into the ground.”) After filing chapter eleven over a year ago, they still don’t have a plan for emerging from their dismal financial state. And for some reason, the judge keeps extending the deadline to file a plan.

So, to satisfy my fascination with this train wreak, I check their Pink Sheeted stock price pretty regularly. I also check the Google News pretty frequently too. They just can't seem to get their act together. If it's not just their typical, everyday bankruptcy woes it's some tangle over illegal possession of lobsters. Or getting busted for illegally importing chickens. Or when cardboard containing pornographic images was being used in the packaging for checkers games being sold in their stores. Poppersmoke wisely suggested that maybe their first step toward recovery should be to implement a rule to not break any laws for a while.

Really the only thing resembling a plan has been the fact that they keep closing stores and pulling out of markets in an effort to stem the bleeding. To which Poppersmoke, paraphrasing WD’s attorney, said: “Yes, the creditors certainly could sue our pants off. But we're down to our last pair. So, uh, how about a compromise?”

I think that the whole immigrant rally business was an elaborate scheme concocted by the government. "Okay, here's how we get rid of all them immigrants with one fell swoop. We create some decoy piece of controversial legislation to get them all lathered up. Then, out of fear of deportation, they figure they have no choice but to organize and protest. Maybe we plant a firestarter of our own in their midst or something, I ain't got that part worked out yet. Anywho, point is they all get out, in public, on the same day to march or some damned thing. Then, while they're all in one place, we round 'em up and haul 'em back to where they came from. We'll call in Operation Bean Banish, or something like that." Brilliant! Okay, who's up for some Taco Bell?

It's the craze that's sweeping the nation. So kids cut yourselves some stencils, grab your cans of Krylon and hop to it.

Jason Gramke posted a hot car on his Blog. Not to be out done...

I'm not sure where I stand on the whole immigration issue. All of the proposed legislation seems complicated. The way congress and the white house are going about things, somebody is going to get screwed. I say good, old-fashioned apathy is the way to go nowadays. Before them thar congressmen decide to pass any laws that punish immigrants and their employers, maybe they should watch this.

Did you know that Blogger's built-in spell check tool doesn't recognize the word "Blog?"

So I've created this Blog and I have no idea why. I mean, I have nothing to say, really. I guess I'm not a very expressive person. Close to the vest. Introverted. Guarded. Maybe this is a cry for help. Or maybe I'm just lonely or bored. I'm wondering now how much good I will even get out of this site. It will probably suffer the same fate as my forgotten MySpace page. Anyway, if you are here to be entertained or to learn something about me, you're probably wasting your time.